Thursday, May 19, 2005

Welcome to Eurovision!

Oh my god. I have just discovered what may be the best thing about living in Europe, and it is called EUROVISION. I had heard about this phenomenon before coming here but I did not fully understand the implications. Imagine an entire continent coming together every year to compete in a pop song contest highlighting the very best shit pop music each country has to offer!

British Laura came over tonight and the Eurovision semi-finals happened to be on TV, so she and Rosie and I totally made an evening of it. Basically, each European country comes up with an original song entry, and they all come together somewhere (this year, Kiev) and battle it out! It’s kind of like a train wreck, except nobody gets seriously injured!

This year the UK is being represented by a Popstars reject called “Javine,” whose breasts fell out of her dress when she accepted the nomination. No, seriously. She is singing a song of her own composition entitled...wait for it...“Touch My Fire.” It’s really, really bad in a good sort of way, not unlike Tyra Banks’s non-smash “Move Your Body.” At least Tyra’s request that I move my body was somewhat straightforward. What exactly is this “fire” Javine wants me to touch? Is it her vagina? Or something more metaphorical? Perhaps the answers to such mysteries will be unveiled if she wins. Go, Javine! You have my vote, girlfriend!

Actually, she doesn’t have my vote. Eurovision prohibits voting for your own country, which is a pretty good idea. (Because integrity is such an essential element of this contest.) Did you know Celine Dion won Eurovision in 1988? I would like to know what country she was representing. Isn’t she Canadian? Just because she speaks French doesn’t make her European, you know.

We didn’t get to see Javine compete tonight because the UK, along with some other countries, automatically went through to the finals for some reason. Laura and Rosie didn’t know either, but I guess that means I’ll have no choice but to watch the finals on TV this Saturday. I guess I can live with that, by which I mean you will not be able to pry me from the television with a crowbar that night.

Tonight’s travesties of musical expression included entries from Portugal, Latvia, Belgium, and Estonia. Especially Estonia. Estonia’s entry was performed by a teen girl group called Suntribe, each of the five members standing in front of their own rainbow-colored turntable and pretended to spin a record back and forth with no apparent result once in a while like they were DJs or something. Likewise, the duo from Latvia pretended to play guitars for half a song, but cast them off to perform their lyrics in sign language while the guitar music mysteriously continued.

And oh my god Portugal was THE SUCK.

On the other hand, I was a big fan of Romania, Iceland, Moldova, and Norway. Moldova’s entry involved an old woman dancing around with a large drum, and as for Norway, well, I always knew glam rock wasn’t dead. Either that, or it just arrived there and the Norwegians thought they were being “hip.” Whatever, they rocked!


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