Saturday, May 21, 2005

I heart Eurovision


Moldova's drumming grandma was also even better the second time around.

Javine performed second and wasn't great. I didn't want to touch her vagina fire at all. And I'm pretty sure she forgot the words at one point. Does she world need a less curvy and more toothy version of Beyonce? I'm not convinced. I know I was sold a few days ago, but after seeing all these entries that incorporate aspects of their culture into their performance, Javine's floor-humping is a lot less impressive.

21:16. Here is another reason why Eurovision is the most amazing television event in human history: Bosnia-Herzegovina's entry is a girl group called Feminnem. I was hoping they would rap or something, but ABBA imitations are good too.

Spain's entry is pretty much "Las Ketchup: The Revenge."

23:32. Wow, we lost soooooo hard. The results portion of the show took forever but I was still glued to the screen. They went to live representatives from each of the 39 voting European countries and added up the points very, very slowly. Language barriers provided instant comedy, or rather everyone tried to speak English for some reason and that provided instant comedy. I asked Rosie, Jo, and Iain why the whole show is presented in English and they were like, "Because otherwise we would have to read subtitles!" It was an attitude that made me feel very at home.

Yeah, NOOOOOBODY voted for us. We had zero points for the longest time, and then we finally got a few votes from Ireland (though I can't imagine why). Battling for the top spot at various points were Malta, Romania, Switzerland, Latvia, and Greece (who actually ended up winning, yawn). I knew Javine sucked ass. Damn you, surnameless witch!

Javine totally disappeared after the show, and when the UK correspondent finally tracked her ass down she was bitching about how the vote was obviously political and she was going to start recording her album in a few days anyway: "It'll be nice to be doing something real," she diva-ed. HA, HA. Where has she been for the last hour? Getting hammered? Touching her fire? Voting for herself with a foreign mobile?

The Norwegian glam rockers were totally trashed by the post-show and started licking the interviewer's feet. They took her shoes off first, though. I don't know why that makes it better that they were violating her on national television, but she didn't seem to mind, so whatever.

I'm so sad I'm not going to be here for Eurovision 2006.


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