Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Big dreams in little Scotland
Today I handed my screenplay over to my friend Pip and ordered her to sit down and read it start to finish. I went back to my flat and didn't come back to hers until she was finished. When I got back to her, Pip informed me enthusiastically that she was born to play Katrina, AKA Sister Mary-Katherine. Since Ballal was around, I had the two of them read a scene from the screenplay for me.
The thing is, I have a lot of love for this piece of work, but it never occurred to me that another human being might read it and say, "This is NOT the dumbest thing I've ever read." In fact, Pip feels so strongly about it that she's promised to learn an American accent so she can play Katrina in the actual film. (The one we all know will eventually exist and shatter world records by topping the box office for 174 consecutive weeks.)
As Pip and Ballal sat there reading out the lines I had written for these characters, Pip proving her acting capabilities as Sister Mary-Katherine, Ballal doing surprisingly well as the Mother Superior...I don't know. I was overwhelmed with emotion, all choked up and everything, people. Why? It wasn't a particularly moving scene they were doing. I felt so silly, but then again not at all. Can you imagine what I would be like on set? I would be a wreck. I would be all, "No, I just have something in my eye. It's so beautiful! Oh, just do it however you want! You're so amazing!"
Anyway, I thought I would post the scene acted out by Pip and Ballal. This scene takes place just at the beginning of the film. The Mother Superior tells off Sister Mary-Katherine for always getting her groove on in the convent...
MOTHER SUPERIOR
You may enter now, Sister Mary-Katherine!
Sister Mary-Katherine smooths her habit, takes a deep breath, and opens the door. We get our first glimpse of the Mother Superior.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Have a seat.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
Thank you, Mother Superior.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Now. Sister Mary-Katherine. How is the bake sale going?
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
Very well, Mother Superior. The hotcakes are selling like hotcakes.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Good.
The Mother Superior looks out the window and sees the bake sale going on outside.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
We’ve been meaning for years to replace those pay toilets, but I suppose restraint is the essence of piety. Until then, we must rely on these bake sales.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
If you don’t mind me saying, Mother Superior, there’s nothing pious about having to doody in a houseplant because you don’t have $1.50.
The Mother Superior looks sharply back at Sister Mary-Katherine, all business once again.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
I do mind you saying, Sister Mary-Katherine, and it is exactly this kind of disregard for decorum that brings you to my office today. Sister Mary-Katherine, you’ve been with the Order of St. Bernadette your entire life, isn’t that right?
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
Yes, Mother Superior.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
I’ve always been especially fond of you due to the nature of your arrival here. You know I’ve always been up front about the fact that you were abandoned on our doorstep by your real parents.
Sister Mary-Katherine’s jaw drops.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
What? I was abandoned by my real parents?
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Of course you were. I’ve never kept that hidden from you.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
You said you were my mother! You said I was conceived through immaculate conception!
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Okay. Yes. That’s not true. You were abandoned here.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
Where are my real parents? Do you know who they are?
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Not really, they kind of took off in a hurry. That’s kind of the idea of "abandoning" a child.
Sister Mary-Katherine finally looks away from the Mother Superior.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
(almost to herself)
I can’t believe this.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
All they left with you was this photograph.
The Mother Superior pulls a photograph out of her desk drawer and hands it to Sister Mary-Katherine. It shows a young Sister Mary-Katherine around the age she was abandoned. Half of it is missing.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
Where’s the rest of it?
MOTHER SUPERIOR
How am I supposed to know?
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
(softly, to the photograph)
That’s me.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Now, if we can just get back to the issue at hand, Sister Mary-Katherine. Sister Mary-Katherine? Hello? It’s about your dancing.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
What dancing?
MOTHER SUPERIOR
You know what dancing.
Sister Mary-Katherine knows she has been caught and looks down.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Sister Mary-Katherine, this convent is not a "discotheque." It is a place for women who have devoted their lives to serving God.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
Mother Superior, I am serving God when I dance.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
No, you are not. You are undermining this entire institution. Using your body as an instrument for your own pleasure is disrespectful and it will not be tolerated as long as I am in charge of this convent.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
Mother Superior, isn’t it a form of serving God to be happy, to fully appreciate the gift of life He has given us, and express that happiness through dance?
MOTHER SUPERIOR
In this convent, we serve God by chanting things and eating a lot of cold mush. You are interfering with this mission. If you continue to do so, I fear your fellow sisters will start to get similar ideas that worshiping the Lord is some kind of "party."
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
But--
MOTHER SUPERIOR
There are no buts about it, Sister Mary-Katherine. You’re my daughter--
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
Not your daughter!
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Whatever. You know I care about you as if you were my own daughter. But if I catch you so much as tapping your foot in rhythm one more time, I will have no choice but to have you transferred to the Order of St. Alcatraz, a remote convent located on the island of Alcatraz.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
No!
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Do not make me do this, Sister Mary-Katherine. Improve your behavior around here and you may stay. Otherwise, pack your bags. It’s that simple. Am I understood?
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
I--
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Am I understood, Sister Mary-Katherine?
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
Yes, Mother Superior.
The thing is, I have a lot of love for this piece of work, but it never occurred to me that another human being might read it and say, "This is NOT the dumbest thing I've ever read." In fact, Pip feels so strongly about it that she's promised to learn an American accent so she can play Katrina in the actual film. (The one we all know will eventually exist and shatter world records by topping the box office for 174 consecutive weeks.)
As Pip and Ballal sat there reading out the lines I had written for these characters, Pip proving her acting capabilities as Sister Mary-Katherine, Ballal doing surprisingly well as the Mother Superior...I don't know. I was overwhelmed with emotion, all choked up and everything, people. Why? It wasn't a particularly moving scene they were doing. I felt so silly, but then again not at all. Can you imagine what I would be like on set? I would be a wreck. I would be all, "No, I just have something in my eye. It's so beautiful! Oh, just do it however you want! You're so amazing!"
Anyway, I thought I would post the scene acted out by Pip and Ballal. This scene takes place just at the beginning of the film. The Mother Superior tells off Sister Mary-Katherine for always getting her groove on in the convent...
MOTHER SUPERIOR
You may enter now, Sister Mary-Katherine!
Sister Mary-Katherine smooths her habit, takes a deep breath, and opens the door. We get our first glimpse of the Mother Superior.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Have a seat.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
Thank you, Mother Superior.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Now. Sister Mary-Katherine. How is the bake sale going?
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
Very well, Mother Superior. The hotcakes are selling like hotcakes.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Good.
The Mother Superior looks out the window and sees the bake sale going on outside.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
We’ve been meaning for years to replace those pay toilets, but I suppose restraint is the essence of piety. Until then, we must rely on these bake sales.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
If you don’t mind me saying, Mother Superior, there’s nothing pious about having to doody in a houseplant because you don’t have $1.50.
The Mother Superior looks sharply back at Sister Mary-Katherine, all business once again.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
I do mind you saying, Sister Mary-Katherine, and it is exactly this kind of disregard for decorum that brings you to my office today. Sister Mary-Katherine, you’ve been with the Order of St. Bernadette your entire life, isn’t that right?
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
Yes, Mother Superior.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
I’ve always been especially fond of you due to the nature of your arrival here. You know I’ve always been up front about the fact that you were abandoned on our doorstep by your real parents.
Sister Mary-Katherine’s jaw drops.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
What? I was abandoned by my real parents?
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Of course you were. I’ve never kept that hidden from you.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
You said you were my mother! You said I was conceived through immaculate conception!
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Okay. Yes. That’s not true. You were abandoned here.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
Where are my real parents? Do you know who they are?
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Not really, they kind of took off in a hurry. That’s kind of the idea of "abandoning" a child.
Sister Mary-Katherine finally looks away from the Mother Superior.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
(almost to herself)
I can’t believe this.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
All they left with you was this photograph.
The Mother Superior pulls a photograph out of her desk drawer and hands it to Sister Mary-Katherine. It shows a young Sister Mary-Katherine around the age she was abandoned. Half of it is missing.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
Where’s the rest of it?
MOTHER SUPERIOR
How am I supposed to know?
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
(softly, to the photograph)
That’s me.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Now, if we can just get back to the issue at hand, Sister Mary-Katherine. Sister Mary-Katherine? Hello? It’s about your dancing.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
What dancing?
MOTHER SUPERIOR
You know what dancing.
Sister Mary-Katherine knows she has been caught and looks down.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Sister Mary-Katherine, this convent is not a "discotheque." It is a place for women who have devoted their lives to serving God.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
Mother Superior, I am serving God when I dance.
MOTHER SUPERIOR
No, you are not. You are undermining this entire institution. Using your body as an instrument for your own pleasure is disrespectful and it will not be tolerated as long as I am in charge of this convent.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
Mother Superior, isn’t it a form of serving God to be happy, to fully appreciate the gift of life He has given us, and express that happiness through dance?
MOTHER SUPERIOR
In this convent, we serve God by chanting things and eating a lot of cold mush. You are interfering with this mission. If you continue to do so, I fear your fellow sisters will start to get similar ideas that worshiping the Lord is some kind of "party."
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
But--
MOTHER SUPERIOR
There are no buts about it, Sister Mary-Katherine. You’re my daughter--
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
Not your daughter!
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Whatever. You know I care about you as if you were my own daughter. But if I catch you so much as tapping your foot in rhythm one more time, I will have no choice but to have you transferred to the Order of St. Alcatraz, a remote convent located on the island of Alcatraz.
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
No!
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Do not make me do this, Sister Mary-Katherine. Improve your behavior around here and you may stay. Otherwise, pack your bags. It’s that simple. Am I understood?
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
I--
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Am I understood, Sister Mary-Katherine?
SISTER MARY-KATHERINE
Yes, Mother Superior.
